Perhaps the email scam industry isn't for me

PLEASE SEND ALMOST ALL OF YOUR MONEY TO ME

You don’t know who I am. That’s okay. I forgive you. But that’s no reason to ignore my heartfelt plea: I would like very much for you to send almost all of your money to me. Now.

I know what you’re thinking: this is another one of those moneymaking scams like that Nigerian bank thing or “The Internal Revenue Service.” But I assure you that if you send almost all of your money to me (right now, please!) I will spend it only on the finest wines and whores that almost all of your money can buy.

You probably think it would be unfair for me to get almost all of your money when people like yourself can barely afford the basic necessities of life like food and water and vicodin. But life isn’t fair; and fair isn’t life. I don’t know what that means, but I do know this: I could use almost all of your money to change the world. What do you mean, how? I just could!
No, you shut up!

Maybe you’re a spiritual person. You believe in God and Jesus and Noah and the Seven deadly apostles, etc.

Well, I had a conversation with God where He said He wanted me to have almost all of your money. Really. Well, actually I brought up the money thing during a lull in the conversation, but He gave a thumbs up right away – and in my experience He’s usually reluctant to greenlight stuff like that.

Let me now reiterate the need to act immediately – by sending almost all of your money to me.

Thank you,