This month's Worst Ever:

Worst ever rap song.

I mean, who else?

Even as a committed agnostic I believe with all my heart that there is a special place in hell for the (probably drug-addled) music producer who approved of the following formula:

1) Take a professional sports team and let them rap about their superior sports skills - for, like, seven minutes.

2) Do so two months before the super bowl.

3) Place the rhythmically challenged players in front.

4) Allow non-rappers to somehow be bad at pretending to play musical instruments.

5) Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!





Anybody got one worse?

Variations on the teardrop tattoo theme

A teardrop tattoo
I killed somebody.

An empty teardrop tattoo
I attempted to kill somebody.

A half empty teardrop tattoo
Let's just say Dr. Kevorkian wouldn't want me on his staff.

A teardrop tattoo in camouflage
I killed a guy in 'Nam in '81. Yes, I know the war was over by then, smartass.

A teardrop tattoo with antlers
I killed what I thought was a moose, and what was he doing wearing a buckskin jacket without an orange vest in my backyard after I'd been drinking anyway?

A rainbow colored teardrop tattoo
I killed somebody in a pink feathered boa at a Cher concert over a spat regarding the artistic merit of the broadway musical Rent.

A teardrop tattoo in the shape and color of a grassy knoll
…um, remember that "business trip" I went on in November of 63?
Long story…

An extra-large mesquite-flavored teardrop tattoo
I killed a big sweaty guy at a barbeque.

A shrink-wrapped teardrop tattoo
I killed the guy who pioneered the practice of placing new CDs behind impenetrably wrapped plastic. You're welcome.

Breaking fake news

Adult film star humiliated by sex tape scandal

LOS ANGELES, CA –

Adult film star Mandy Myst tearfully addressed members of the media yesterday and confirmed reports of a sex tape circulating around the internet that features her engaging in all manner of sexual behavior. The actress – known for engaging in all manner of sexual behavior on videotape – was distraught when she learned of the video’s existence, claiming to have been drugged and coerced into performing in it: “anyone who knows me knows how out of character this video is.”

The actress’s biggest concern is the potential damage the video may do to her career. “I only hope my fans can forgive me for this lapse in moral judgment,” Myst said.

Myst later praised her friends and family for supporting her through the ordeal and added: “I can only imagine how difficult it must be for my parents to endure the teases and innuendoes from friends and co-workers about how their daughter has fallen from the ranks of respected porn stars and had her reputation forever tarnished.”

Vowing to make her parents proud once again, Myst is reportedly attempting a comeback with a new appearance in Wet and Wild Sluts part 2, which the actress describes as “Pretty the much the same as the sex tape that got me in trouble, but with better sound and consistently in focus.”

Index listings which, if included in my biography decades from now, would suggest that the second half of my life did not go well

Governor’s mansion drunkenly ransacked by, 103-105
reality show participation of, 107, 108
Major league baseball mascots assaulted by, 111, 114
Matlock memorabilia collection of, 120, 122

PBS:
pledge drive hosted by, 127
on-air profanity accidentally uttered by, 128-130
FCC endorsed televised flogging of, 131

bone marrow sold on black market by, 134

Saved by the Bell:
reunion enthusiastically supported by, 137, 139-141
cast members restraining order repeatedly violated by, 141,144,147-149
NBC parking lot indecent exposure arrest of, 149-151

Miracle ear phone sales career of, 152-155

herbal Viagra:
dangerously excessive use of, 157-159, 160, 162, 165
lawsuit initiated by, 166-168
47 dollar out of court settlement happily accepted by, 169-171

nationwide manhunt for, 174

Breaking fake news

Treasury set to bail out Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac
- other 70’s R&B singers await help

After decades of mounting wardrobe bills and sky high hair care costs legendary 70s R&B duo Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, known for such diso-era hits as ‘Shake your booty till it won’t shake no more’ and ‘Keep on shaking your booty in spite of chronic pain’ were relieved to learn of the US treasury department’s plans to bail them out of their current fiscal woes.

“We’re overjoyed!” exclaimed Freddie Mac from the green room of The Blue Lake Casino showroom in Joliet Illinois. “What with the rising costs of sequins and nail polish, we were having an awful time getting by.”

The duo claims the news has spurred much interest from other 70’s R&B performers such as Peaches and Herb, Shirley and Company as well as KC and roughly half of the Sunshine Band.

Is it just me or is Michael Musto coming off a little gay?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Michael Musto’s work as much as he next guy: his bitchy gossip column in the Village Voice, his frequent appearances on The E! channel, his contributions to Out Magazine and Show People, but every once in a while – perhaps in the middle of saucy rant about Britney’s latest fashion fiasco – I’ll wonder to myself: is it possible that this guy isn’t the red-blooded ladykiller he tries to present himself as?

I know this is controversial; believe me, I’m aware that there is no faster way to get into a scrap at a local sports bar or on a construction site than to suggest that Michael “La Dulce” Musto is anything less that 100% real man. But you see, I have this thing called ‘gay-dar’ – it means I have this uncanny way of knowing if a certain guy is a little fruity. For example, the drag queens on the gay pride parade float last year – I’d be willing to be that almost all of those guys are gay. I can’t put my finger on it, there was just something about them.

I hate to say it, but from time to time, I get the same kind of vibe from Musto. Take last year. There was just something about the way he sashayed into the Grease sing-a-long, garbed in a fabulous ensemble and dishing on the star’s gauche make-up job, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but the gay-dar began to tingle.

And don’t get me started about his boyfriend; I have my suspicions about that guy too.

Breaking fake news

Obama forces begin air raid in battleground state of Ohio

Columbus, OH –

In the strategically important city of Cincinnati, Obama forces began air strikes, focusing mainly on the homes of 34-49 year old blue collar males, but also emphasizing the important demographics of college-educated women and white evangelicals. According to Campaign manager General David Plouffe the air raid was a success: "We're very pleased with the results of this grassroots bombing campaign. It does my heart good to see the young people get out into the streets to scream for their lives with their homes spectacularly ablaze."

Obama forces continued to push north to such key cites and Dayton and Cleveland, shelling the homes of likely voters and canvassing in parks, malls and other places where key demographics were suspected to be hiding from the incessant roar of bombing.

According to polls, Obama's forces have taken a slight lead in the Buckeye state with 475 reported casualties over McCain's 311 with 108 wounded still 'undecided.'